Saturday, July 12, 2008

Songs For the Deaf

And he hath been given license to breathe songs of lost rage and furor to the ears of the closed. For it was true- Their ear pussies would never be rocked with his Gospel of Nursing Blasphemy.

I am licensed friends. The Nusring School Graduate possesses a License to Ill.
It feels good. This joy is pure, genuine. And the relief is like the sweet warm clouded breath of my baby boy when we snuggle. And when my wife joins we snuggle like Champions.

Right away my resolve to not respond to every little thing in the nursing world with anger was put to the test.
I was able to schedule an interview with the management of the unit I want to work for the day I got my license number. So arrived, hair freshly shorn, faced shaved to a crisp, my balls smelling finely of expensive ode de cologne, oh babies I was prepared.
The interview consisted of Unit Manager, Unit educator, Assistant Manager.

The unit manager started the assault kindly: "First off, you are a very attractive candidate. You are the most enthusiastic student we've ever met."
Nice. But from there, they voiced their concerns. Concerns strangely identical to my instructors blast of me right after the award and scholarship debacle.
"Cocky" "Loose Cannon" "You started here way too overconfident" "We don't think you can handle the criticism required to work in this unit" "You mean you aren't ACLS certified?" "Do you think you know more than a med-surge nurse?" (I got my license THAT FUCKING DAY. AT WHAT POINT BETWEEN 0600 AND 1130 WAS I TO ACCOMPLISH THE TWO DAY ACLS COURSE?)

Then I went really nutty and told them of my contemplation of being a CRNA. And the shit subsequently really hit the fan. I know how dumb it is to tell a SICU manager you want to be a CRNA. I know the risks, but I took it. I told her, (I totally stole a line from "HEAT") "I give you my word that I will be here for 2 to 3 years. I know you don't know me personally but my word means something. My word is good."
The manager said, "I've been burned many, many times". But I won't burn her. My word
is good. I hope it shone through. Then she said, "I already knew." And I said, "Yeah, but I told you." I know who told her, too. This CRNA who works at the hospital who promised me he wouldn't tell her and promptly told her.
They said a lot of shit to me, most of it not nice, not innapropriate but not nice. The only unit in the hospital that isn't begging me to come work for them and these managers treat me like I'm some nursing failure. I've never been called a "loose cannon" before. That was pretty cool.
Then the education manager went onto the floor and asked a friend mine what he thought about me (he's a RN). My friend said, "People think he's arrogant but he's not. He's just really enthusiastic." I owe him one. At least she asked. It shows intent right?

How arrogant am I? How cocky do I come across? More than your average nursing student that's for sure. Your average new grad won't take her eyes off the floor. In a perfect world, in a world where capitalism led to happiness and fairness and real live ethics I would have been a salesman. That's what I do. I sell things, anything. In nursing, I sell safe health care, I sell the idea that you should change your diet at home. I sell the idea that talking rumors about me the second you think I'm out of ear shot is off limits to you. I sell the idea that the patient needs stronger pain meds. I sell the idea that I can outwardly feel as good about myself, I can answer questions and address situations with as much confidence, arrogance, sarcasm as that strapping young socialite MD over there. Basically put: The Nursing school Graduate possesses a License to ILL doesn't know his place. I see the ridiculousness of treating a human being a certain way just because of their job title, educational resources, or race. It deeply alarms people because I threaten their consistency. Because maybe consistency in what to expect, good or bad, is better than uncertainty. That's the problem with growing up in chaos. It often makes more sense than violent social organization.

That's my problem. I don't buy into the hospital hegemony because I'm too immature and vane to accept the fact that the force of my determination and sheer will does not give you status or credibility. Let them talk shit, let them challenge me and let me learn my place.

And in time, I will put pictures to my liking on the wall.


Angrier Nurse said...

Dear Loose Canon :-),
That's a pretty good one. I found Xanax helps! Really liked checking out your blog. Good stuff.

Angrier Nurse said...

Dear Loose Canon,

Love the Blog! Love your thought processes. Just remember that hospitals make sane people crazy and little old grannies drug addicts. If you are a loose canon it's 100% because of them...NOT YOU!