Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Is that nursing in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Started second semester today. 4 classes. 6 hours of lecture. My ass seriously hurts, like my tailbone hurts.

So much reading to pour over and try to stuff into my wee brain. I already have "The fear." All those nagging assigments like mini mountains looming over a grey horizon. One down, an infinite amount to go. The horror....the horror.

I'm lucky though, I got assigned to a relatively mellow clinical instructor. Fortunately, I didn't get the psychotic ex-army nurse from the south who acts all girly and squeeky when she lectures and then bellows at her students in a voice like Chris Farley, "My clinical group gather at once! You there! What are the 12 crainial nerves and their functions!?"
"How should I know? " the autistic guy Mike blurted out.
"Oh my gawd! I've seen jackabasselopes smarter than you!" She barked like a seal with a fucking cigar in its mouth.
"What the fuck just happened?" autistic Mike said, his eyes darting around the room, trying to get a lock on anyone who offered emotional comfort. But none was to be found in this barren field. Everyone was too afraid to even look at him. I wanted to tell her that Mike is fragile but I guess, ultimately, it's for Mike to sort out.

Sorry experienced women, but 6'2, 50+ women should not talk in girly, squeeky voices, play with their hair, perform shockingly suggestive dances whenever a male student gets one of her arcane questions right and then bellow like Chris Farley after four bong hits. It's unseemly.

It was good to see all my friends again, feels like the class is a bit more cohesive this time around. People seem to have been hanging out over break, carnally.
Finally some lovemaking has been going down in the class. There is like 7 straight guys in my class of 75: 6 gay dudes and 7 straight dudes, 5 of the straight dudes are married. Can you guess who got laid? That's right! The 2 straight single male nursing students co-mingled their loins with the blossomed flowers of a few of the previously betrothed but now broken up ladies in the class. Funny, the women that actually hooked up with dudes over break all SWORE ON THE SACK OF JESUS last semester that they were SO IN LOVE with their ex-boyfriends.
"We're practically engaged!" they felt the need to brag. Then they spent the whole break rebounding like Kobe Bryant on Meth with like the only two available guys around them.
In my limited experience I can't help but notice that nurses are weird people. I'm weird. I like weird people. Do nurses have higher sex drives, male and female alike? Is that what it takes to be a good nurse? 110% on the floor, 110% betwixt the sheets? Robby told me his balls hurt from getting laid so much. I don't know whether to be professionally insulted or proud of the little bastard. I guess I should be proud of the ladies too! Fuck it. They're young and single. Go crazy. Get your rocks off.

The married must live vicariously through the melted heartbeats of amorous, wet, stressed out nursing students.

As one straight male nurse told me about nursing school, "I like them odds."

The way of the dog.