Taking me a while to update my posts. Apologies. The learning curve is keeping me busy. Collecting excellent stories to share. Give me more time...
Me:“That’s right. I did nothing all day. I fake added up my I/O’s. These numbers you see here, they’re fake.” I was adding up the last hour of I/O’s after report had been given to night shift. They come on at 1830, I leave at 1900, that leaves a half hour gap for me to take care of.
Preceptor: “Ha. Ha. Okay I see. Because if you hadn’t added up your I/O’s I would be VERY angry at you.”
Friends, my nerve got hit. Hard. I'm learning. I make mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes. Dumb ones. I don't profess not to. BUt I'm here to learn, not get verbally or brow beaten. Unlike some nurses, I throw back verbal punches. Maybe bad for the career in the long run, but my fists land. And they leave marks. And sometimes they land hard enough where I don't have to go home hating myself.
Me: “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT if you get mad or not. If I had neglected to add my numbers up until the last minute then I would be disappointed in myself for not using my time properly which, apparently you haven’t noticed, I did.”
Preceptor: (Not really sure that he had just got told off): “Uh…ha-ha.”
Sorry friends. Preceptors can be jerks, micromanage, hell they can even be disrespectful. But getting angry over not adding up I/O’s as a threat of some sort, sorry. Needed to put him back into line. The blowback? I’m sure he told anybody who would listen how terrible I am but I’m not really too worried about it. For the last few days other nurses have been coming up to me and saying, “How’s M------ abuse treating you today?”
Repercussion for my words? I don’t know. I don’t care. His preceptor, 3 years ago, was a notoriously abusive bitch, it’s too bad he hasn’t figured out he doesn’t need to act that way anymore. My preceptor is a good ICU nurse. Obsessive, detail oriented, gives a shit about the patients. He is somebody I have learned a lot from, and he has helped be focus on areas where I need work. Certainly I can be a stubborn fucking mule. Dangerous qualities as a new grad in the ICU. I am aware. But I don’t believe in fear based nursing. I see how my preceptor is afraid of management. He doesn’t understand that kissing their ass has brought him no respect, just more responsibilities that he doesn’t get paid for taking on. The ICU day shift supervisor told my preceptor to “drill instruct me” and have me ready to be solo in 2 months. Well, I’m ready to be solo. Scared shitless about it but ready. But I aint in the military. Call it pride, ego, vanity, stupidity, whatever. I got boundaries and they will not be crossed, as a matter of self preservation. So much disrespect and dehumanization burned me out as an E.M.T. the first time around. I’m not going to let it happen again.
As my best friend, who is a S.I.C.U. nurse told me, “Dude, just make it off probation.”
Has to be on my terms. This is why I write about my one confrontation as a new grad. Because it has to be done to change nursing. I write to remind myself and other nurses that being disrespected, patronized, condescended to, yelled at, or humiliated in any way is unacceptable by any medical personnel. That HORIZONTAL VIOLENCE is behavior that is truly unbecoming of a nurse. Not having a fucking opinion that differs from the general consensus should not be the impetus for school yard behavior.