Sunday, April 1, 2007

Go ahead and squeeze a little harder why don't ya?

Sorry, it’s been awhile. Super busy. Super fucking busy. Got through the competencies pretty good, I got the “easy” instructors, i.e. the ones that are remotely normal and secure enough with themselves that they don’t feel the need to torture a student.
As of right now, the majority of my class is on academic warning. The 2nd semester faculty is a lot like the Bush administration: No matter how bad the classes grades get, no matter how many inappropriate acts the instructors carry out, it’s the same shtick. “We’re just trying to figure out why you guys aren’t getting it.” Never a mea culpa, no responsibility whatsoever for the fact that a group of extraordinarily driven and intelligent ADULTS are failing everything thrown at them.
No, my dear instructor, you saintly middle-aged woman in your 40’s with no kids, no husband and 20 cats. YOU’RE not getting it. You’re fucked up! And when your sole purpose for teaching is to humiliate, bully, and fail students well, you get what you pay for. A class of 72 students with the majority on academic probation.
Fuck off!
I make no apologies. The observation has been made, I shall pontificate here but lord help me if I say this in class.
If you are middle-aged, not in a relationship, don’t like young people in general, and have a freakishly large assortment of pets put a red flag on your scrubs because you’ve got some serious fucking issues and shouldn’t be anywhere near the next generation of nurses.
I’ve come to this conclusion as I have come to realize that the violently nutty nurses, the happy-sad, maybe I’ll get weepy during a lecture and then scream at a student for not wearing the right color socks (black shoes=black socks, white shoe=white socks. I’m totally serious the hard asses will send you home if your socks don’t match.), the ones who tell the students they don’t like that they should maybe think about quitting school, these are the ones who aren’t married. At my school a couple of the foul tempered instructors have been married but are now divorced, but in general they have been single for a considerable amount of time. Like, I can’t believe the huge assorment of spinsters that are instructing at my school. Somehow, they all found each other, united in disdain and contempt.
Nothing wrong with being middle-aged and single, middle-aged and divorced, fuck half the country is past 38 and divorced. But are you still in the game? Are you trying? Have you given up on the opposite sex entirely and have resigned yourselves to your sister’s kids, pretending they are your own? Do you still believe right before the increasingly shitty and bizarre blind dates you’ve been finding yourself on that this might be love?

Don’t give up. The opposite sex hates you as much as you hate them. So just fucking bite the bullet and let it go, accept someone for who they are and go make some love. As long as they respect you, treat you right. And ladies, don’t tell me you’ve tried and good men are hard to find. Because they are not. There are roughly 75 million single men in America. They may not come in the form you fantasize about, they may not treat you like shit just the way you like to be abused but goddamnit they are out there. And for the divorced middle-aged guys: PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR WOMAN. WOMEN USE SINCERE ATTENTION LIKE FUEL. JUST A FEW MOMENTS OF YOUR TIME AND THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING STOKED. LAYOFF THE SPORTS TALK AS YOU PRIMARY METHOD OF COMMUNICATION. AND TRY AND STAY AWAKE 10 SECONDS AFTER THE NUT YOU CHEEKY BASTARDS.
Excuse while I step off this soap box.
I mean, if it’s this obvious what the bad nursing instructors’ problem is, that they have been dicked over by some of the worst taste in men this burned out society has to offer (see: firefighter, paramedic, cops, used car salesmen) they have no one to blame but themselves. I didn’t fuck up your dude radar! You should have gotten it fixed!
They act on their own bizarre experiences so often I can see their bitchy wheels turn, “Should I be supportive of this student in their time of need, should I encourage them, let them know that its okay to make mistakes when you are learning how to do something that requires immense technical finesse, great emotional intelligence, and serious attention to detail? No. Now its time to lay down some serious institutionalized abuse and sting this student good.”
How fucked up are they? You know they must have hated their patients. Probably despised them. Did fucked up shit like withheld pain medication when in a foul mood to “punish” their patients for being needy or irritating them.

Hey! You nurses out there who play the withholding pain meds till absolutely as late as possible game: you make me fucking sick. Who are you to judge and punish? Don’t do it. Don’t abuse like you’ve been abused. Cause you’re playing with fire and baby you will get burned. It’s like scratching the mosquito bite of hate: you only hate more.

Some nurses hate black people.

Some nurses hate men who remind them of their father.

Some nurses are uncompassionate to women that remind them of their mothers.

Some nurses don’t feel what a patient is going through because they have a higher tolerance for distress because of what THEY have gone through.

Some nurses are traumatized from their line of work and suddenly snap at people or patients they may care about.

Some nurses have drug problems.

Some nurses are jealous of American nurses.

Some nurses hate men.

Some nurses hate women.

Some nurses loathe white people.

Some nurses do what they are told to do too much to please the powers that be.

Some nurses like to be part of a machine that crushes people, that keeps down the dusts of change.

Some nurses are just looking for a spouse.

Some nurses are absolutely incredible fucking people who have great technical knowledge and are still emotionally capable of making someone that they wouldn’t otherwise relate to or interact with feel safe, clean, and capable of healing.

Some nurses have heart.

Some nurses know what the fuck is going on and aren’t afraid to act on it.

Some nurses could really give a shit what arrogant, pissant residents think is a “quick” procedure.

Some nurses walk the line between insubordination and always advocating for their patients as a method of humility, integrity, and keeping it really fucking real.

Some nurses think for themselves.

Some nurses are so fantastic and inspiring to me that I personally want to equip myself with the “identity” of a nurse.

Keep doin what you’re doing.

Mazeltov. Happy Passover,

And to all the haters and status quo addicts, the trick ass marks, mark ass marks, punk asses, ho's, heffers and hulahoops, skeezers, skanks, skig-scags, scallwhomps, I want you to ponder exodus from slavery you dickheads, you disgruntled bitches.

I’m coming to gitcha.
(Thanks D.C. for that rant)