Friday, February 2, 2007

Sack Launch





Not a big story teller. I mean like, ER stories shit like that. I think its in bad taste. It's basically like saying, "I'm cool. I'm cool. You're not. I'm cool." the whole time you tell the story.

BUT in this case, check this out.

We're starting out with one patient for clinical. Next week we get two. This week I had a dude with an abcess on the inner aspect of his thigh, closer to the cup of his ass cheek. Monster abscess. My patient was kind on nutty, sort of a strange dude. Hispanic, spoke pretty good English. He told me that he had the abscess in early January, it went away then came back, like a tumor. He was so resistant to listening to any medical advice, I think that that he still thinks the I&D was a benign tumor removal. Anyway- here's the fucking story.

Resident comes in with medical student. Resident is a giant white goober from Idaho. Like, 6'4. Ugly and arrogant. His medical student assistant was short, obese and African-American. It was abundantly obvious from their interactions that they did not see eye to eye on many different levels. All three of us are in the patients room, preparing for another incision and drainage of the abscess. His boss, a female jewish doctor, told him to go deeper with the cut. He protested. She ignored him. Tall goober stuck between a female Jewish boss and an female African-American med student. You could see it was driving him in red state agony. I loved it.
Pt. was lying prone. Part of his nuttiness was sort of these jerky movements, so when he lay down, he sort of flopped down and his ball sack was sticking out underneath him, like a little bag or, I don't know, a bunny rabbit tale. Dude wasn't embarassed or bashfull at all. "Fuck it," the pt. was probably thinking, "might as well air out the huevos."
Doc Goober begins to numb up the 6 cm long x 2cm wide x 2cm deep wound. He starts talking to me, the lowly male nursing student. I took it as a perverse political statement. I'm way low on the totem pole but in his eyes, better that than the black or the Jew women. So he's talking at me as he inserts the needle into the wound. Of course the poor bastard patient is completely unmedicated and biting his pillow.
Dr. Goober's pain med: "This'll just take a minute." Asshole.
So instead of walking the med student through the procedure Goober is actually looking at me while he's injecting Lidocaine. The inevitable happens when you give an arrogant conservative control of a resource: Goober loses control of the syringe.
I've never seen anything like this in my life: As if in slow motion hand ballet, like a magician winking a coin through his fingers, Goober struggled to regain control of the needle. Over the top of his fingers, bumped up again by his palm, up the back of his hand, this needle was all over the place. His germanic-irish mug was shriveled in strain and horror, like the 3rd Reich had just destroyed a potato field in Boise. He made a last ditch attempt to grab the flailing syringe and it hit the top of his fingers and went straight up in the air like a missle, did a 180 and headed straight back down to earth like a dart. Right into the bunny tail. Right into the dude's sack.
I heard him scream into his pillow, "Oh my jeesus! Oh!" I've never seen a sack pierced before. Shocking.
I need to be perfectly honest here, everybody. The pt. was a light skin Latino, had a mullet, and fuck me, he sounded a lot like Nacho Libre. I wouldn't have been suprised if he had said, "That was eeespecially painfull."
Then he started to sob. He didn't like wail, but little girl like shudders, I could here him hyperventilating and moaning. Pretty fucking sad.
The needle fell out of his scrotum and a big old bubble of blood surfaced. The good doc Goober had finished looking at me for good. He turned to the medical student. He looked away quickly. His gaze returned to the burst sack. As he dabbed with guaze, "Oops. That was me buddy." And as he lamely looked at his med student, "My bad."
I would have puked if I wasn't laughing so hard.


NEXT UP: RACE ISSUES IN THE HOSPITAL. THE TIME HAS COME MOTHERFUCKERS!

8 comments:

S. R. said...

What else with the procedure? Did he complete it? Did the Jewish lady speak up?

angry male nurse said...

S.R.-

Of course he completed the procedure, that callous turd. And he did a shit job of it. His incision was unsteady, so the inch and a half secondary incision looked like a wavy line.

And of course Idaho had to stick his finger (up to the knuckle) into the back of the poor bastard's hamstring with regular gloves, not sterile. He found no coagulated pus or any purulent exudase.

The jewish lady was the internist, or the resident's boss, I don't really give a shit about their titles, so she just told him to do the secondary procedure. she wasn't present.
Actually, prior to the procedure, she told me to get 2% lido, he tried to correct her (his boss), she ignored him.

Typical doctor experience. They fuck up, pretend it didn't happen, and no nurse would dare report it. Sadly, myself included. The med student: see no evil hear no evil.
Man, doctors make an art out of covering for each other, nurses- don't hesitate to kiss your lips while they plunge the knife in and twist.
Answer your questions?
AMN

S. R. said...

Yes sir, you answered them quite well.

Mother Jones RN said...

Oh no, honey, that's when a nurse is suppose to take Junior Dick Head doctor out into the hallway and ream him out. Incident reports are filled out, phone calls are made, and nursing supervisors are notified. If nurses don't report this crap, they are as guilty as the doctors. And God help you if this kind of stuff goes to court. A nurse's silence after the fact will get them into deep shit during a malpractice hearing. Those doctors need to start fearing the nursing staff.

MJ

angry male nurse said...

Fucking A right Mother Jones! God Damn I wish I had a mentor with some serious ovaries around. I give my school credit for teaching clinical competence, but not a single word towards challenging the insidious heirarchy of the hospital. Bung-hole politics I call it.

But I feel if I had reported (which I didn't even know was an option till I read your post) I would be seriously fucking up my future. As I have said in previous posts, the nursing staff of this hopital is not exactly, well, hospitable towards the students. The nurse I was paired up with last week wouldn't let me do a single fucking thing. She didn't even want me wiping ass. They just don't want us there. The nursing supervisor has said we are an out and out liability, lots of love I would have gotten from her regarding this whole debacle. I'm in between a rock and a hard place here, MJRN. I need a license before I have any leverage against status blow.

Bohemian Road Nurse... said...

Good Lord... (did Idaho at least have the good grace to say: "OOPS!" when he fumbled the needle?)

angry male nurse said...

BRN:

Nope. just a my bad while he looked at the African-American medical student. As if that is the only language she understands.

Mother Jones RN said...

Angry male nurse:

It wasn't your job as a student to raise hell. The RN in charge of the patient should have kicked the doctor's ass and raised hell. My rant wasn't aimed at you. It was aimed at the hired help. I guess part of the reason I'm not afraid of making waves is because I'm older. My gray hair and wrinkles remind most doctors that I'm old enough to be their mother--and you don't screw around with THIS mother. I refuse to take bullshit anymore.

MJ